I don't think I have taken a bible to church in months.
Why?
I'm ignoring the fact I need to start using a new one...
Here's the thing:
 |
| my well loved bible |
And I have had it since my senior year in college.
It's roughly about 5 1/2 years old.
And let me tell you. It is torn up. I have highlighted the pages, written all over it. Every blank page has quotes, inspirational thoughts, laments to God.
And another thing about this particular brand of God's word?
It's was given to me by a boy.
And at the time I kind of liked him. So every once in awhile I look at my Bible and think of that boy, those times, crazy and backwards as they were. [and if you are said boy, reading this blog, which is a possibility...this is awkward, but I'm over it ;).]
This book has gone through so much with me. Just this summer it went to South Africa. It took me through choir tour my senior year which was chaotic. It lived with me through depression. It's walked through so many messages at church. It's the bible that I used in my grad classes. It's sat in my purse for days on end because it is just that small.
There is not a single space to write a single thought in it anymore.
But I just can't seem to give it up.
And I even have a new Bible.
Given to me by a boy.
I actually don't think I have loved a boy as much as this one.
[sidebar: he's 3]
And I know once I get to using that Bible I will always think of him. And his hugs, love and smiles. The way this little kid without fail brings me joy on a daily basis. And it will always make me think of his class. All of the kids in there that have stolen my heart.
But it's really hard to give up on my old Bible.
To start fresh.
To have no markings, no thoughts, nothing in the margins.
Not knowing what verses God will bring to me in the new season of using this Bible.
And that is a little terrifying.
You see I like going back to my old, tattered Bible and seeing the notes, seeing the places where God has taken me and knowing that I have gotten through them. The constant, comforting reminder of His love. The constant reminder of who I was when I read certain verses or went through certain series at church.
But the thought of breaking in a new Bible. Of truly declaring a season of my life over?
ugh.
Really God?
I feel like that all He has been doing lately is calling me out.
Calling me to step into new. To keep writing this story of mine. To keep going.
I've been in a constant state of new for a long time.
Let me digress. I probably have one of the most random life verses in the world. No really. It's in Nehemiah 4. Verses 15-18. [here it is from the message]
Our enemies learned that we knew all about their plan and that God had frustrated it. And we went back to the wall and went to work. From then on half of my young men worked while the other half stood guard with lances, shields, bows, and mail armor. Military officers served as backup for everyone in Judah who was at work rebuilding the wall. The common laborers held a tool in one hand and a spear in the other. Each of the builders had a sword strapped to his side as he worked. I kept the trumpeter at my side to sound the alert.Weird yes?
Not as weird as the fact that within about a week or so of each other my boss and my counselor told me that these verses reminded them of me.
I have realized I will always live a life like the common laborers in Nehemiah. The ones who were building the wall. Hammering away with one hand. But yet, still holding a sword in the other hand. Always prepared. Always on guard.
This is why I am a little terrified to step out, to try something new. I've gotten so used to my place with my hammer and sword that sometimes I don't even pay attention to the fact I have a sword. But I know it's there.
And this is why I am putting off using the new bible that I have had since Christmas. I know it is time to put away the old. To put on the new. To make space in the margins for God to show me new parts of my story.
I'm just not sure I am ready yet.
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