so much story

all.my.story

I have pulled out all of my journals that I have written in over the last 4 1/2 years or so and I am just kind of staring at them.

Wow. 

I've had a lot of story in just the past 4 1/2 years. 

And here in this moment I was all prepared to write some form of metaphor about story and life when, in going through these journals I found an entry, a prayer really that sums up everything I might try to say more elegantly. 

It is something I know I was clearly spurred on by the Holy Sprit to write while I was in South Africa most likely sitting in a chair gazing out onto the acres of vineyards

I feel empowered. I thank GOD for the encouragement I have received and I pray that I can be just as encouraging to others.

Thank you God for weighing things heavily on my heart and for using EVERY UGLY PART of me

Help me be OK with being broken-hearted. Help me to give more. Heavenly Father help me to be completely and utterly who you want me to be.

 Father help me to have patience and love for those it is hard to love

Help me remember in you I can do all things. Even the things I think I might not be able to do. Help me remember that through You I can do all.

Thank you for all of your blessings and love. The strength I feel from you is overwhelming.

You are my comforter and my peace

Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Space in the margins

Ok-I have a confession to make.
I don't think I  have taken a bible to church in months.
Why?
I'm ignoring the fact I need to start using a new one...

Here's the thing:

my well loved bible

I have this Bible.
And I have had it since my senior year in college.
It's roughly about 5 1/2 years old.

And let me tell you. It is torn up. I have highlighted the pages, written all over it. Every blank page has quotes, inspirational thoughts, laments to God.

And another thing about this particular brand of God's word?

It's was given to me by a boy.
And at the time I kind of liked him. So every once in awhile I look at my Bible and think of that boy, those times, crazy and backwards as they were. [and if you are said boy, reading this blog, which is a possibility...this is awkward, but I'm over it ;).]

This book has gone through so much with me. Just this summer it went to South Africa. It took me through choir tour my senior year which was chaotic. It lived with me through depression. It's walked through so many messages at church. It's the bible that I used in my grad classes. It's sat in my purse for days on end because it is just that small.

There is not a single space to write a single thought in it anymore.

But I just can't seem to give it up.

And I even have a new Bible.
Given to me by a boy.

I actually don't think I have loved a boy as much as this one.
[sidebar: he's 3]

And I know once I get to using that Bible I will always think of him. And his hugs, love and smiles. The way this little kid without fail brings me joy on a daily basis. And it will always make me think of his class. All of the kids in there that have stolen my heart.

But it's really hard to give up on my old Bible.
To start fresh.
To have no markings, no thoughts, nothing in the margins.
Not knowing what verses God will bring to me in the new season of using this Bible.

And that is a little terrifying.

You see I like going back to my old, tattered Bible and seeing the notes, seeing the places where God has taken me and knowing that I have gotten through them. The constant, comforting reminder of His love. The constant reminder of who I was when I read certain verses or went through certain series at church.

But the thought of breaking in a new Bible. Of truly declaring a season of my life over?

ugh.

Really God?

I feel like that all He has been doing lately is calling me out.
Calling me to step into new. To keep writing this story of mine. To keep going.
I've been in a constant state of new for a long time.

Let me digress. I probably have one of the most random life verses in the world. No really. It's in Nehemiah 4. Verses 15-18. [here it is from the message]

 Our enemies learned that we knew all about their plan and that God had frustrated it. And we went back to the wall and went to work. From then on half of my young men worked while the other half stood guard with lances, shields, bows, and mail armor. Military officers served as backup for everyone in Judah who was at work rebuilding the wall. The common laborers held a tool in one hand and a spear in the other. Each of the builders had a sword strapped to his side as he worked. I kept the trumpeter at my side to sound the alert.

Weird yes?
Not as weird as the fact that within about a week or so of each other my boss and my counselor told me that these verses reminded them of me.

I have realized I will always live a life like the common laborers in Nehemiah. The ones who were building the wall. Hammering away with one hand. But yet, still holding a sword in the other hand. Always prepared. Always on guard.

This is why I am a little terrified to step out, to try something new. I've gotten so used to my place with my hammer and sword that sometimes I don't even pay attention to the fact I have a sword. But I know it's there.

And this is why I am putting off using the new bible that I have had since Christmas. I know it is time to put away the old. To put on the new. To make space in the margins for God to show me new parts of my story.

I'm just not sure I am ready yet.

Redefined

During a response time at the Gathering last week we were asked to choose a word.

A word that speaks our story, that shows a bit of who we are.

Normally I have a go to response word, "restored". That word speaks so much of my story. So much of who I am and what I have been through.

this little girl had no idea what God had in store...me at 3

But I realized sitting in this sanctuary filled with hundreds of children's directors, pastors, volunteers that there was a much bigger word in my life. A word that gripped from the top of my head to the bottom of my feet.

Redefined.

In was shaken by the word.

So many things about me have been redefined, have been changed, reshaped.

Just the fact that I was sitting in a conference for people in children's ministry is redefining who I once was.

The fact that I have a heart for missions...that I could be classified "a leader"...that I am looking to make a huge jump...that I have been through hell and back and have lived to tell about it.

None of this things are who I was in High school.

Heck none of these thing were who I was most of college.

I have been completely renewed, reoriented, restored and redefined in Christ.

wow.

This is something I wrote a long while ago on another blog of mine

I NEED Jesus
Without Him?
I have NOTHING
I have no point.
No Purpose.
No Identity.
I live in HIM
By HIM
Through HIM
He is my focus.
He knows me more then I know me
He has created me as HIS beautiful
Loving, Broken but Whole in HIM
daughter

This has been my mantra and my reminder. I have been completely redefined in who I am because of Christ. 

Had you told me in High school that I would be strongly desiring to go on missions, to be in full time ministry or that I would love God this much?

I would not have believed you. That Meghan was loving and kind yes, but her heart had not been infiltrated with the overwhelming all consuming love of Christ yet.

That Meghan had not gone through hell.

That Meghan had not stepped out of her bubble.

That Meghan had not really lived..

This Meghan is changed, reshaped, redefined and ready to jump into whatever God has.

And that makes me look at what I do each day a little different, makes me look at the kids I work with and wonder where is God going to shape them, change them, where is God going to remind them how much He loves them even in the darkness.

Course Correction

So today was my second day at the Tru Gathering...and once again my world was rocked.

I was prepared to come home and after watching the season finale of my favorite show ever (don't ask...you might judge me) I was all set to write a blog on spiritual parenting.

Yes parenting.
And no, I don't have kids.

I was so incredibly encouraged today sitting in the spiritual parenting breakout hearing the story of someone who is so invested in spiritual parenting with their church and is single. No kids. It lifted me up and reminded me that even though I have no kids of my own (let's be real...I have worked with a lot of kids) I can still find my place in the realm of spiritual parenting.

So yes.

I was completely ready to write many a word on spiritual parenting. And I still might because like I said I think it is awesome.

But what kept coming back to me was how in the afternoon we did a bit of "remember and celebrate"

Now for those of you who don't know or use Tru let me give you a bit of a backdrop. (And for even more information on all things TRU go here)

Remember & celebrate happens every 6th and 13th week in the curriculum and it is a time to go back through the prior weeks and not only go over what we have learn but to remember what God has taught us and what He has shown us. And how we fit into that picture. And then in the end to step back and celebrate what He has done.

I love that.

I love the element of celebration of showing and reminding my kiddos of what God has done.

So as an activity we each took a slip of paper that one of the ten tru environments on it.  And we took that environment (scroll down on this page to see the ten environments)

My environment was "Course Correction"

This environment flows out of Hebrews 12:11–13 and is the direct opposite of punishment. instead, biblical discipline encompasses: a season of pain, a building up in love, and a vision for a corrected path for the individual with the purpose of healing at its core.

Really?

I couldn't have gotten identity...knowing...serving...loving?

Any of these I could have easily found in my story. 

But here it is "a season of pain, a building up in love"

So what is the first thing I thought of?

The day when my course, the way I went to work everyday literally got changed...corrected.

How?

I was hit by a car while on my bike.

No, really.

Prior to that fateful day in the beginning of February I was sort of running from God. He was calling me to jump. To make a huge decision. Moreso to act on said huge decision.

But I didn't want to make it real. I wanted it to stay in my head where it was much safer.

Every sermon at church hit me. The sermons that I was already scheduled to recap and blog about?

Hit me even more.

I knew I was supposed to jump. To make this decision outloud. To tell people. But I truly didn't want too.

Then on that fateful Thursday morning riding to work on pajama day(pajama day...don't even get me started on how I missed both days of pajama day) I was hit by a car.

Thank the Lord my injuries weren't horrible, but they were still pretty bad. When I finally sat up with blood covering me and shaking like crazy I burst into tears.

What had just happened?

Really God? Hadn't I had enough?

Hadn't I had enough pain in the prior three years? Enough depression, heartbreak, loss, tiredness.

Now really..a car? hitting me?

Really?

ugh.

When I got into the ambulance sobbing, not being able to stand because my ankle was sprained, not being able to see because my glasses had broken; I was angry, tired,sad. Was this a physical stopping point? Was this Him saying..move out of the path you are going down and stay where you are?

Nope. 

He has covered me with His feathers and I have found MUCH refuge under his wings

As He had been doing in the prior month, God spoke audibly.

He reminded me and showed me I was still going on my path. On the comfortable path that took the least time, that had the least waiting.

The path I knew.

He was showing me that I needed to physical move. To take a different path. To not go the way I was used to going. 

To go His way.

To stop and slow down long to see His way.

The recovering from that accident was more emotional then physical.

I've had some crazy emotional stuff happen to me in the last few years. I've gotten into pits so dark I never thought I would get out. I've looked in the mirror and thought, maybe just maybe it would be better if I was done.

But none of those things were even close to after that accident. 

I can look back now 3 months later and be ok.

I can see where that fits in the grand scheme of things.

I can celebrate how He protected me. 

And how He used that moment; That horrific day in my life to cause me to jump. Caused me to move out of the path I was on and start down one unknown and kind of scary.

So yes, I am at the conference gleaning things to take back to my church ministry and to store for future use, but I also, as I am sure so many others who are there, am also being reminded of my story and where I fit.

Because how are we to lead, nurture, encourage and help others find their place in God's story if we don't know where we are?

I am not saying I always know where I am or even who I am. But I know WHOSE I am. And I know WHERE He has been in my life and WHAT He has done for me. 

And that He LOVES me unconditionally 

And sometimes that is all I have.

But it is all I need.

Storytelling

I am all about storytelling. I'm a writer. I live and breath words.
I mean,come on--I have words tattoo-ed on my feet, wrist and arm. [restored, remain in my love, awakened and love]

my words...reminders of HIS love

I think that is why when the concept of reading the Bible as a story told by the ultimate story teller rocked my world a bit because that is now how I was taught. That is not what I learned growing up.

I didn't know my story could fit into that big story.

About a year ago I started working as a preschool coordinator at a church and they use a curriculum called "Tru" that was born out of the church that I attend [RockHarbor]. And one of the first things I got to do last year after starting this adventure in a different side of kid's ministry was attend the Tru Gathering.

And now a year later here I am again.

And the theme of this year is all about story. Which of course is right up my alley.

Tonight in the first session before the speaker came up, the lead pastor of RockHarbor came up and was saying some encouraging words to us and then was talking about the twenty-somethings who fill the sanctuary on Sunday nights [i.e the group I am in]. And he was talking about the identity crisis filled life that we live in.

Why yes, I love being smacked in the face on a Wednesday afternoon.

He ,in the short time he spoke, talked about how my generation never had a moment to get grounded in faith, the way we were taught [or not taught the Bible] was so different. How the fact that we search for identity goes back to being little kids, goes back to our parents, what we were taught in church, etc. How we didn't really know where we fit in the story.

Seriously.
Really?

I came into today knowing I would learn something a little about myself and how I lead and why I do what I do. But this? And what was to follow? More then I realized I would be coming into.

I feel blessed that I am able to find the words to tell my story. But I can see how my story shapes the kind of Christian I am today, the kind of leader, it shapes how I see myself in this life of following Jesus.

So right then in my head, in my journal, I started thinking of key elements of my story. How I was raised. How if I wasn't raised like that I would not be the woman of God I am today.

Then the speaker (chris brown...no not THAT chris brown) came up to talk about the Gospel. And I was on the edge of my seat hearing stories I have heard and told at least a hundred times. But what struck me about hearing about the woman who touched Jesus' garment and was healed or the little girl who was raised from the dead was how much Jesus cared about each element of their story and their life.

With the woman Jesus called her "daughter" He took ownership of her. Protection of her. Love of her. Saying that word would impact how she was continually treated because of the efforts she went through to see and be known by Him.

And the little girl. When Jesus told them that they could not speak of what had happened I have never thought of really why that was. Maybe he was being humble, maybe He didn't think people could handle it.

Or maybe He knew the little girl wouldn't be able to handle it. The Chris said something slightly funny when referring to a Bible story but so poignant. He said that Jesus knew the twelve year old girl was still thinking about prom. Yes, prom. Ok probably a metaphorical prom but still.

It was noting the fact that He knew that this little girl would grow up to be the teenager who had gotten raised from the dead, the adult that had gotten raised from the dead. She would never just be her again.

He, in the moment of asking for no one to say what had happened, was protecting her story. Her life.

Wow.

I know that these people in the Bible are real, that these things did happen, but I have never thought of the continuing story. Of who these people came to be.

And I realized- they came to be His witnesses, His proclaimers, because their stories, whether people knew the whole of it or not, reflected His love and protection.

And that made me think of me as a kid.

Of the fact that I learned the Lord's prayer for the first time in an AA meeting with my mom.
Of the the struggles I had growing up that caused me to have to fight a little more.
Of the fact that I didn't grow up going to church on Sundays.
Of the fact that high school worship leading me? Did not really know His love at all.
Of the fact that I didn't really get to know Jesus on an intimate loving level until after college.
Of the fact that the only reason I didn't end it all, the only reason I still walk this earth is because He brings me hope, life and light.

My life, my story is a reflection of His love even when I am not sure who I am.

His story flows through me. I didn't and can't write it. Only He can.

So how does this come full circle in my head (because yes, you just got come serious crazy slightly off the tracks writing) How do I bring this back to the kids I work with on a daily basis?

I want to be able to give them the tools to see their story. Even at 4 and 5 to see that God is speaking into their lives. That He loves them.

I want to show them how real His story is and they can be apart of it.
And I've realized that apart of that will be showing and sharing my story with the parents I come into contact with. It's showing them how can redeem and restore even the darkest of parts of someones life. How God will chase their kids no matter what they, as parents do or don't do.
And encouraging them to jump into their own story to share with their kids.

That's a big job. But looking more into my story, my life I can see how God has prepared me for that, especially when I feel the absolute least prepared. When I don't know a Bible verse by heart, or don't remember how a really old school sunday school song goes and I feel like I shouldn't be in this field.

That's when He reminds me of His love and His spirit. And what He has brought me from and too...

So..that's part of my story. What's yours?

more to come tomorrow!

Top Ten

Here is a Top Ten list for my life right now...no particular order!

Yep. Example of 3 b.

1. Big Booty Forever 21. 13 dollar jeans? Thank you very much. Changed my life. 
1. trips to Mission Viejo mall w/ the roommate...
2. Jersey shore....
3. Freaking bright blue pants that have alluded me
4. not, not THOSE blue pants...
2. My Iphone..this one is self explanatory 
1. the Icloud changed my life
3. Pinterest...because we all need a new way to procrastinate
1. pinterest...new crafts for the preschool
2. pinterest...new ways to decorate the house I don’t have
3. pinterest....tattoo addiction enabler
4. pinterest...ways to make #4 on the list easier!
4. Vegetarian April. Because not only do I feel better BUT hey who knew...I can cook
5. Someecards.com I could spend HOURS on this just giggling away.
1. also? “Hey girl...”
6. My 2 day morning class
1. I could potential not drink coffee before this one and be ok..
1. who am I kidding not drinking coffee is a bad idea
7. Vampire diaries...yes I am serious [and of course TVD recaps...seriously the joy of my after work friday...]
1. And it’s on the CW....hello hotties
2. I guess I can add my TVD twitter feed too
8. Zumba..seriously? nothing has been able to change my mood more then this fun work out class. And if you know my story, my testimony, my life the past four years know that starting to do zumba 2-3/ week has help balance me out more then most other things in my life.[see becomerestored.blogspot.com]
1. #teamnolongerbackrow
2. #teamwegotstraightkickedoutofthebackrow
3. #teamnotquitemoveslikejagger
9. My beautiful new god-daughters...loves of my life
10. Going to the 7pm service at my church on Sundays..
1. Church with Nickle
2. ZA family
3. "20 somethings...average age"

So here are just a few things that I am currently in love with in my life. Some things you can purchase...some things I can link you too. But these are the things that right now bring me immense joy.

What about you?

Good Friday

So..

Usually around this time of year I will write something about Easter. About how I am so grateful that HE is alive.

And I am. So incredibly grateful that my God? Is alive.

But tonight at the Good Friday services at RockHarbor I was rocked a little bit. And the funny thing was I knew that I was rocked by it before I even came to church. How so?

This is my Good Friday story- This morning I woke up on the beautiful day off. This moment I have been waiting for, for a couple months. And I went on a walk with my friend Mari.

We were talking, catching up, having some serious convo when I came to a realization. It's one I have had before; I've even said it before but for some reason on this day it impacted me a lot.

It was this: I firmly believe, from the bottom of my heart that if I wasn't a christian; if I didn't have Jesus in my heart I would NOT in any way shape or form have survived the last 3 years of my life. I don't think I would have made it. I would have been crushed. I would have given in to the overwheleming depression.

I honestly don't think I would be alive.

But through all of this, through the dark, the despair, the crushing hopelessness? I always had a light at the end of the tunnel. I always had a still, small voice telling me I was going to get through it. Tell me He was going to help me through it.

But in all of the soul searching, in everything that I have talked about, prayed about, I have never attributed all of those feelings to this day.

To the day my Jesus hung on a cross. To the moment when my Jesus died to defeat death.

I know that in that moment He carried all my sins. The stupid decisions that I choose to make, the cutting words I say. He took them away.

But He also gave me a hope to live in the world that would try and try to bring me down. Hope to live in a world that was completely broken.

A world that would and is trying to break us. Trying to make us broken.

Today I realized that when Jesus died on the cross? 

He became my nightlight in the darkness.

He became the person, the God that would get me through the hell I have gone through. 

I am always thankful for the cross. Thankful for the opportunity to continually lean on and confess the things I am not so proud.

But today I am more thankful for the fact that because of the cross I was not crushed. Because of the cross I am not dead. Spiritual death or literal death.

So thank you Jesus for the cross..

thank you for making beautiful things out of us.

And for the knowledge that you will come again.